07.11.2012 - 19h00 - No words

This is a long read and there are probably millions of spelling errors but I really needed to write this...

After hearing that my gran had passed on I was really quite upset. Ethan was being amazing and trying his best to make me feel better. I was trying to do a load of washing and he just grabbed my hand - led me to the couch - made me sit down and watch TV. I was actually starting to relax and cheer up a bit. Was thinking how I was going to miss my gran terribly but at least she lived a long, happy life filled with family who loved her....

At around 7-ish Ethan and I heard our neighbour screaming. We turned off the TV and listened. Heard him scream "call the police and an ambulance". When I heard him say police I thought they were getting robbed so I didn't go outside to see what was happening - kept my door closed. Also, if I'm honest I'm the terrible type who stays behind closed doors and tries not to get involved in other people's problems (that has all changed after this night).

For some reason (probably because I had started to really like my neighbours - which doesn't happen often) I decided to go and see what was happening once I heard the security guards walking up the stairs.

His wife had collapsed and was lying on the lounge floor. He was trying to hold her and call an ambulance. He eventually left her side to come and open the security gate for us. I went to her and she complained that she couldn't breathe properly. I lifted her slightly, sat behind her and let her rest against my chest. She was speaking very quietly but I did hear her say was "I'm sorry" which now just breaks my heart.

I am terrible in these situations. Not only do I not know what to do but I also don't know what to say. I just kept telling her "relax", "don't panic", "breathe slowly", "you're going to be fine".

Her husband was a wreck. I suggested we carry her to the car rather then wait for an ambulance. The reason I said this is simply because I know from personal experience that you can wait for ever for an ambulance and I thought it would be quicker if we rushed her to hospital. I am now so worried I made the wrong choice. I have spent hours googling to try and find out if moving her made it even worse. I feel awful.

She was heavy and 3 men (her husband and the two security guards) battled to carry her. They got her down the stairs then had to put her down. Here is where she passed out again. Her eyes rolled back and she was making these terrible sounds. I was holding her again and it seemed like she kept stopping to breathe. Every time she went quite I thought she had died, then would gasp for a breathe and start breathing again.

They picked her up again and got her closer to the car. I held her again on the ground while her husband rushed to open the car and reverse it closer to us. Here is where it got scary. I looked at her and saw her eyes were wide open. I got really happy as I thought this meant she was coming around - was feeling better. But then when I looked closer it was awful, something had shifted. Her eyes were huge, round, black, terrified, not normal. I remember thinking, she thinks she's going to die.

They picked her up and struggled for what felt like and eternity to lift her into the back of the car. At this point she was on her knees while they held her arms. I was standing up and she was staring with those frightening eyes straight at me. I can't describe the feeling.

He said he was rushing her to the medicross clinic just around the corner. Once he drove off Ethan and I jumped into my car to go there. It was closed. We came home. We felt terrible just sitting there so we got back in the car to see if maybe he had driven her to Sandton Clinic - they weren't there. We came back home and I slipped a note under their door asking him to please sms me when he was home to let me know that his wife was ok.

I woke at 5am and saw that someone had sent me an sms saying she had passed away.

I'm a little stunned. I really didn't think she would die. I have been a complete wreck and feel like such a drama queen but I really have never been that close to death. I keep thinking "I should have done the running around with the keys and car etc so her husband could have held her, not me", "I was one of the last people to hold her", "what if my suggestion to move her was a bad one" - lots of thoughts.

I'm feeling much better today but it's still just all so surreal.

Look after yourself people - have fun - enjoy life - kiss those you love - tell those you love that you love them. xoox


  1. So hectic and sad Debs!

  2. (big hug) You did the best that you could do for her in that situation and if you think of it about it this way, he will remeber her without that terrified look, you took the "brunt" of it!